


Pressing Reset

by cartonof3ggs



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (mainly for the boyfs and richjake), (since that kinda stuff won't happen until later), ANGST GALORE HOLY SHIT IM NOT KIDDING PREPARE YOURSELVES, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, adding tags as chapters upload, happens after canon, i'm not gonna spoil anything right away ;), in this pinkberry is canon, like a whole bunch™, starts out with the first two ships, then those ships end and the other two happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartonof3ggs/pseuds/cartonof3ggs
Summary: "You have to be able to recognize that there are voices in your head, and you have to listen to the good ones and tune out the bad ones [...] And the success is learning how to deal with it and not pretend like it doesn't exist." - Joe IconisA fic about what happens after the musical; everyone's picking up the pieces, and trying to make everything normal again.





	1. Squip-marks

**Author's Note:**

> italics in quotes = Jeremy's thoughts, unless i specify otherwise. Bold = emphasis  
> Title's a WIP, let me know if you like it, or have a suggestion on what it should be instead!  
> Rated T for swears and angst.  
> The quote in the summary can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QVHpbiLQ0Y  
> [NOTE MADE 3/29/18] Hey y'all! I'm so glad people are liking this so far :-) I'm on spring break until April 9th, so hopefully i can crank out some chapters during that time! Love you all <3

****He woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and nearly screaming in terror. _"Stupid nightmares,"_ he thought.

Sadly, nightmares were the only things he’s been having ever since he got rid of his squip. Horrible, _gruesome_ nightmares about said squip doing horrible, _gruesome_ things to him and Michael and Christine and Jake and Rich and Chloe and Jenna and-

  


He shakes his head violently. For a brief moment, he stares at his legs before swinging them over the side of his bed. He stretches his arms over his head, and gets up.

He looks over at his alarm clock: 5:30.

He groans but goes to the bathroom anyway. He turns on the light, immediately regretting that; he studies his face in the mirror, and begins trying to ignore all the ringing in his ears and static in his mind.

_“The loudest voice in my head is mine. The loudest voice in my head is mine.”_

He let out a short, almost sarcastic, laugh.

He ran his fingers through his hair, but immediately stopped. He noticed that there were white lines on his arm, close to his wrists. He inspected them closer. They looked kinda like stretch marks- or maybe lightning bolts? Whatever they looked like they were still _freaky as hell._

He’s never seen these marks before. Where did they come from?

_“Oh god,”_ he thought. “ _I thought this shit was over why are these markings here what caused them if this has anything to do with-”_

The squip caused them. They must’ve cropped up when he was being destroyed.

_“Oh come_ **_on._ ** _I thought this shit was over why would it do this to me why didn't I notice them sooner has anyone else noticed them HAS MICHAEL NOTICED THEM OH GOD I'm a monster I'm a monster I’M A MONSTER-”_

Jeremy started sobbing. He slowly sank to the floor and remained there, on his knees, forehead pressed to the tiles beneath him. He shook violently as he cried.

**_“EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS SO TERRIBLE”_ **

 

“Jeremy?” His dad called out as he cracked open the door, knocking on it.

Jeremy bolted upright, looking at his dad. He stuttered and stammered, trying to explain why he was on the floor crying, but all he could muster up was a raspy and quiet “I'm sorry.”

“Why were you crying? Are you okay?”

“Uh… Uhh, not really..? I, um…” he paused for a second, “I've just been having a bad morning is all.”

“What happened?”

“Dad, don't worry about it okay?”

“Jeremy.” His dad’s tone suddenly became very serious.

Jeremy flinched. He looked away, picking at his cuticles.

“Son, you can tell me. I want to help you.”

Jeremy moved so that he was leaning against the bathtub. He used his collar to wipe his eyes, and let his arms fall limply to his sides afterwards.

“I have marks on my arms, and I think my squip caused them.” he showed his arms to his dad, who looked at him with a surprised, concerned look. “Your squip? That's the weird pill thing that you had, right?”

Jeremy couldn't help but laugh at his dad’s description of the squip. “Yeah,” he replied.

“...Should I call Michael?”

“Y-you can if you want?” Jeremy wasn't sure if Michael could help, but at least he’d have someone to just _be there_.

“Alright. I’ll be right  back.”

“Okay,” Jeremy replied softly. He tilted his head back against the tub and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply, held it in for a second, then let it out. He tried to relax, but his head still rattled with chatter, none of it good.

This was so _fucking_ frustrating. He yelled out in anger, closed his eyes tightly and tugged on his hair.

“ _No. Stop this. Take a deep breath.”_

He did. He let his arms drop back to his sides, and stared at the floor, blinking slowly. He just needs to wait for Michael to get here.

  
  
  


“Jeremy? _Jeremy?_ ” Michael waved his hand in front of Jeremy’s face, snapped his fingers, shook his shoulders. “Mr. Heere, how long has he been like this?”

“For at least ten minutes. I’ve been trying to get him to look at me but it wouldn’t work.

“ **Jeremy** ,” Michael shouted. That seemed to get him to snap to attention.

Jeremy, coming out of a daze, doubled over when he saw Michael. “H-Hi! What, what…Oh.” He remembered what his friend was doing here.

“Are you okay? You’ve been way out of it for like, ten minutes now. At least, that’s what your dad said.”

“Really..? Oh no...” Jeremy sighed loudly.

“Do you know why?”

“No!”

Michael hummed in response, shrugging.

“M-maybe it was nothing to worry about,” Jeremy said as he stood up.

“You think you’ll be okay?”

Jeremy thought about it for a second. He didn’t want to worry them, but at the same time, he wanted to be honest. He compromised. “I think so.”

“You want me to make breakfast for you guys?”

“Yeah!” They both replied in unison; Jeremy giggled because of that.

“Hey, I’m gonna go back to my house and get ready for school. You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah, I-I’ll be fine.”

“Alright,” Michael replied skeptically. “Text me if something happens, though.”

“Okay, okay,” Jeremy retorted. He walked Michael to the door, then went to go get dressed.

He looked at his arms again. He ran his index finger over the white lines, tracing them and pressing on them.

He sighed. He could feel his eyes welling up with tears again, but he blinked them away.

_You’re gonna be okay. You just gotta get through the day._

He decided on wearing a sweater today. Nothing fancy, and he definitely didn’t want to put in more effort than he had to.

Slowly but surely, he got ready for school. By the time he had finished his routine, Michael came back. He glanced over at his clock again: 6:45.

Jeremy shuffled into the kitchen, greeting Michael with a smile.

“I’ve made waffles for you guys,” Jeremy’s dad announced.

“Aw, really? Thanks dad!”

“It was no trouble. And the mix was gonna go bad soon anyway, so..” He trailed off.

“Do you guys have any fruit? Like strawberries or something?”

“Yeah, in the fridge.”

“Sweet!”

 

Breakfast with his dad and Michael helped Jeremy to clear his head, and distract himself from the events that happened this morning. He figured not thinking about it would be the best thing for him, since if he did, he wouldn’t stop thinking about it and it would break him down further.

 

Michael offered to drive him to school. How could he say no?

The ride over was… Calm. Jeremy was still tense, but having the radio on quietly while Michael drove helped him at least stay composed.

And as they walked through their school doors, Jeremy took a deep breath and said to himself: _"you got this. Just make it through today."_


	2. Be Nice to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is a The Front Bottoms song, go give it a listen! (it's sad tho so be careful)

Gym the next day was embarrassing. During soccer, he scored a goal, but took a nosedive, tripping someone else ( _I think his name is Dan?)_ in the process. A couple girls laughed, and some asshole said something that made his face flush red.

He nearly sprinted to the locker room, naturally, to get dressed and out of there as quickly as possible.

“Hey, you were good out there today man,” Dan said as he walked by Jeremy to his locker.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yeah man!”

“I’m um..sorry for tripping you.”

“No sweat,” Dan replied with a wave of his hand. I’ve had worse happen to me,” Dan laughed. He turned to talk to one of his friends, asking if they had practice today.

Jeremy laughed with him. He threw his shirt on, and grabbed his backpack. He weaved his way past jocks, and went to open the door-

**SLAM**

Jeremy looked up to see the face attached to the arm that pushed on the door.

Randy. Senior, football team, asshat that’s bullied Jeremy before.

“ _Oh my god what does he want why is he doing this just let me out let me OUT”_

“..What are you doing?” Jeremy asked, annoyed.

“You don’t talk to me like that, Heere,” Randy hissed, raising a fist.

“ **_Oh fuck”_ **

Jeremy covered his face with his arms.

Randy grabbed Jeremy’s arm, and squinted to get a better look at it. He could have sworn he saw- ah! He was right!

“Well hello, Self-Harm, what d’we have here?”

“ _No no no no no no let go of me let go of me LET ME OUT”_

“Let go of me!” Jeremy squirmed and violently ripped his arm out of Randy’s grip, running out of the locker room, the door almost hitting Randy in the face. He ran twenty feet from the locker room, trying his best to stay on his feet and not curl up in a ball. He held his face in his hands for a second, before realizing everyone was probably staring at him.

One of the gym teachers, the coach for the football team, saw what happened. He came over to Jeremy, asking softly, “What happened? Are you okay?”

All Jeremy responded with was, “He grabbed me,” before he started crying.

“Nice going,” Dan said to Randy.

The coach went over to them, who were now standing in front of the locker room door. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I was just kidding around, and-”

“Oh really? Didn’t seem like kidding around to me,” Dan cut him off.

“What happened?” The coach asked again.

“Randy grabbed Jeremy’s arm and said some shit about his self-harm scars or whatever,” Dan replied.

Jeremy wanted to speak up about that, but decided not to. He absent-mindedly rubbed his arm.

“Randy! How dare you! You don’t **ever** do that to someone.”

“Wha- but- I-”

“No buts.”

The bell rang.

“Jeremy. Are you okay?”

“Uh… Yeah, yeah.”

“You can go, Jer. Dan I want you to stay for another minute. And as for you, Randy…”

Jeremy bolted out of the gymnasium. He walked (read: jogged) down the hallway to his locker. He opened it as quickly as he could, and made himself look busy to people walking by.

He glanced at his squip-marks. _“Oh come on, don’t cry.”_

“Yo, Jer!” Michael called out as he danced his way over to him.

“Oh,” Jeremy sniffed. “Hey.”

“You..good?”

“Eh.”

“Something happen?”

“Uh…. yeah. Randy was being an asshole at the end of gym, but I’m okay,” Jeremy paused for a second. “Shit! I left my sweater in the locker room, can you go get it? It might be on the floor or something.”

“Yeah, sure. You stay right there.”

Michael hummed along to the song in his head while he looked around for Jeremy’s sweater. There it is!

As he was leaving, he bumped into someone storming in.

It was Randy.

“What, your little boyfriend send you?”

“To talk to you? No. He left his sweater in here.” He said, moving around Randy.

“You know-”

“Don’t talk to me. Or Jeremy. And for the record, we’re not dating. But I’m flattered you thought as much, considering you don’t really think.”

“Have fun fucking each other tonight,” Randy said, ignoring what Michael just said.

Michael put up a peace sign and said, “Oh we will.”

 

“Hey, got your sweater for you,” Michael said as he tossed it to Jeremy.

“Thanks man. You wanna go to the library?”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 (and maybe four) are gonna go up sometime this week (I don't wanna promise anything right away because I'm bad at writing whoops)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the minor delay, my week had been kinda busy! Also, not gonna lie, it was a little hard to write this chapter and the next since I wanted there to be some progression but finding the happy middle between dragging the story on and having it move too quickly was hard '._.  
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy reading!

****He was trying his best to keep himself calm. He doesn't usually  walk this way to Algebra, but he decided he’d drop his make up work off since his English class was near his history class. Walking through crowded halls has never been easy for him, but because of what happened yesterday in gym, he was now even more aware of who he passed by and what they were talking about as he passed them. He could've _sworn_ he’d seen his squip out of the corner of his eyes and hear traces of a whisper telling him to _stop looking so pathetic, they can tell you're nervous and you look like you're about to shit yourself._

He straightened his back and took longer strides, something the squip taught (forced?) him to do. As he walked into the classroom, he greeted his teacher warmly and put his backpack on his desk, searching for his late makeup work. He hated that his teachers assigned a whole bunch of work and tests the week of the play; because he was in the hospital, he missed half of his assignments and struggled to make it all up.

“When can you come to make up the chapter test?”

“Um, tomorrow? I got another test to make up today.”

“Alright, tomorrow.”

“Yeah!”

The bell rang. He said goodbye and went to math class.

 

Although the first ten minutes were boring, he _really_ needed to pay attention. They were going over the lesson from yesterday, and because he missed the start of this part of the chapter, he was falling behind.

But as much as he was paying attention, his teacher wasn't making any sense.

He could hear his squip whisper to him again. _This is why you need me. Well, aside from the fact you were a terrible person._

Jeremy grit his teeth and tried ignoring it.

_You can't ignore me, Jeremy. I'll always be here._

_“NO, I got rid of you!”_ Jeremy yelled back in his head. He took in a sharp breath and held it. He fixed his gaze on the wall above the whiteboard.

  


A tap on the shoulder from behind let Jeremy bring his focus back. How long had he been out of it? He looked at the clock: about four (five?) minutes had passed.

 

_“Oh, I guessed I zoned out again?”_

He turned around. Brooke glanced at the paper on Jeremy's desk, and asked, “Can you pass that back?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” he replied sheepishly. He passed the worksheet back and turned around, pink with embarrassment.

Brooke kind of just raised an eyebrow, flashed a slightly confused smile, and began to do the worksheet.

The rest of class dragged on hesitantly. Jeremy left class feeling a bit better about the lesson, but confused about him zoning out. He tried thinking about what caused it. He guessed it was because he heard his squip talking to him.

He subconsciously scratched at the squip marks on his right arm.

_“Hmmm.”_

  


**The next day**

 

_“It’s too loud shut up shut up I need to get out i need silence I need sILENCE”_

“Can I use the bathroom?”

“Make it quick.”

As soon as he left the classroom, he nearly sprinted to the bathroom.

His squip started ‘talking’ to him: _“What are you doing in here? Hiding in the bathroom just makes you look like a loser.”_

“Shut up.”

_“Excuse me?”_

**“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP OKAY?”**

A toilet flushed. Guess who came out of the stall?

Randy.

_“Oh shit I gotta get out of here”_

As quickly as Jeremy went into the bathroom, he left it.

Randy stood there, confused and slightly terrified. _That kid is seriously fucked up._

 

Jeremy slowed his pace, and leaned against the wall, by the water fountain a couple yards down the hallway.

 _“Go back to class,”_ he told himself. _“Maybe Randy won't say anything. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.”_

He made sure he kept his breathing slow as he made his way back to class. He focused on his work, and was able to keep the volume in his head to a minimum.

 

After school, he went to make up his English test, which he was surprisingly confident about; he forgot it was gonna be all vocab terms and grammar.

He went home that day feeling good and horrible at the same time.


	4. The Weekend

Jeremy bounced his leg throughout the last period of the day. This week had dragged on long enough, and he just wanted to go home and not stress about homework to do or tests to study for; all he wanted to do was to sleep. And maybe hang out with Michael.

As soon as he got home, he dropped his backpack at the door, and flopped onto the couch. His exhaustion got the best of him, and he ended up falling asleep, face down, half of his body hanging off the end of the sofa.

 

He slept for four hours.

 

His dad shook him awake. “Hey, it’s almost 7. Dinner’s gonna be ready soon, if you're hungry.”

 

“Okay,” Jeremy replied softly, letting his head fall back onto the pillow he was using.

 

He felt a buzz come from his back pocket. He took out his phone to check his notifications: Michael sent him a meme he found on Tumblr. He replied with a couple laughing-crying emojis and locked his phone.

_“Hmmmm, maybe Michael would want to hang out?”_

He sent him a text. Immediately, Michael replied, saying “hell yeah dude im bored as fuck and I was about to ask you anyway”

  
  


Jeremy was laughing so hard that he felt like he was gonna pass out. They were sitting cross-legged on Jeremy's bed.

Michael, ranting about “some dumb blonde in his literature class” (he can never remember the her name, and he’s convinced she can't either) who was saying that “there’s mental hospitals for a reason,” was making fun of her in a high-pitched voice and smacking his lips like he was chewing gum.

Jeremy's expression soured a bit. “...did she say anything about me?”

“No,” Michael responded, concerned. “Why?”

“Just..curious. I wanted to make sure no one was saying anything about me because of  Wednesday.”

“With Randy? Wait, what _did_ happen on Wednesday?”

Jeremy was caught off guard. He stammered a bit before telling him slowly: “He uh, saw my squip marks and made a big deal out of it.”

“Wait he did **what?** ” He paused and thought to himself, _“is that why he thought I wanted to talk to him?”_

“Well, I can assure you I didn't hear anything,” Michael said softly. “And, since Jenna didn't say anything to me, you don't have much to worry about,” he joked.

Jeremy grinned at his joke. That helped him feel better.

“Speaking of my squip marks,” Jeremy said, looking at them, “how crazy are they, right? Like, my whole experience with the squip was crazy.” He laughed for a second, then stopped.

Michael looked at him with a sad smile.

“...I didn't even realize what the squip had done until it was too late,” Jeremy choked out, trying his hardest not to cry.

Michael gently rested his hand on Jeremy’s, lightly wrapped it around his fingers and squeezed.

Jeremy used his free hand to wipe his face. “Like what happened on Monday? And- And in the bathroom yesterday?”

“What happened yesterday?”

“I was hearing my fucking squip talking to me. It pissed me the fuck off so I told it to shut up, but I guess I said it out loud. And um… Randy was in the bathroom at the same time, in a stall, and he looked so fucking confused when he came out.”

“You’re still hearing it? I thought you got rid of it…”

“I thought so too! Can my squip come back? Oh God I hope not…” Jeremy whipped out his phone to look that up. It was hard trying to find information on anything squip related, since it was still secretive. But luckily, after skimming through some Google Search pages, he found a forum and a FAQ page regarding squips.

While reading through the forum, Jeremy came across many teens and college kids who had bought squips, but got rid of them because they had wanted to make them popular in a way they didn’t want. “ _Sounds familiar.”_

Responses to their posts came from all, if not most, psychiatrists and psychologists who studied squips while they were being tested. If the social environment is hostile, the squip can develop their plans to be hostile in response; monkey see, monkey do. The squip doesn’t intend to ever emotionally abuse their users, but sometimes the user can experience trauma as a result of their squips comments or words, and what they want them to do to get popular.

In Jeremy’s case, he guessed, his squip went rogue; plans for world domination are not in squips’ coding.

There was a subsection of the forum called SAV (SQUIP Abuse Victims) Support Page. He skimmed through it; he came across abbreviations and names for many different mental disorders, including DID (dissociative identity disorder, which Jeremy had to look up), OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and another disorder called schizoaffective disorder (which he also looked up).

The one that jumped out at him the most was schizoaffective disorder. When he researched into it further, he noticed that a lot of the things he’s been going through are symptoms of this disorder. Now, he knows that he should leave the diagnoses to actual professionals, but he’s also thinking, “ _Maybe this could be something I have?_ ”

“..Hey Michael.”

“Yeah, Jer?”

“Do you think maybe… The squip, or something, could have caused me to have some kind of mental illness?”

Michael raised his eyebrows. “I mean, I-I guess it’s possible?”

Jeremy huffed and furrowed his brows. “Wow, the squip _really_ fucked me up, huh?” His eyes welled up with tears as he locked eyes with Michael.

Michael motioned him to hug him, and Jeremy nearly tackled him. He lightly rubbed Jeremy’s back assuring him that he would be okay.

They stayed like that for a good five minutes before Jeremy pulled away. “I’m gonna go to bed, okay?” He asked.

“Yeah that’s okay. I’m gonna go to bed too.”

“Okay, Jeremy said, getting up. He took off his pants and changed into a pajama shirt. He crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

He had nightmares that night.

  


In the morning, after Michael had left (he had to go visit his cousins), Jeremy decided he should tell his dad about what he did last night. His dad was sitting at the kitchen table, writing up something on his laptop for work.

 

Jeremy took a deep breath and sat down. “Dad, I need to talk to you about something.”

His dad looked up from his work. “Yeah? What’s up son?”

“I um.. Haven’t been feeling that well all week,” Jeremy paused. He’s gotten better at having conversations and being open with his dad, but he was still struggling with it. And his dad struggling just as equally with it didn’t help him, much less either of them, that well.

“How so?”

“Well, you know how on Monday I had this weird zoning out episode? Well I think I had another one during math.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… And all this week I’ve been super stressed, and I started hearing my squip but it wasn’t there, and…” Jeremy put his head in his hands and let out a shaky breath. “It’s in my head and I can’t get it out,” He said softly, sobbing.

Jeremy’s dad didn’t know what to say next. “Do you… want a hug?”

Jeremy looked up, nodded weakly and got up to hug his dad.

“Do you think it’s really serious?”

“I mean, it might be? It wouldn’t hurt to get something like that checked out,” Jeremy said. He pulled away from the hug. His dad went to look up psychiatrists in the area, when Jeremy stopped him.

“I, uh, was thinking… There’s a forum I found last night, and in it I found a couple psychiatrists who know what squips are… Maybe we could contact one of them? They’d be able to understand my situation without having to explain it.”

“...Yeah, of course. Could you show me?”

Jeremy pulled up the forum. His dad scrolled through and looked at a few of the psychiatrists. He wrote down their names, and decided to see if he could schedule an appointment for any of them next week. One was available: Dr. Rose. She was on the research and testing teams for the squip, and is currently working with a few patients who have been traumatized by their squip. Maybe she could help?

It was worth a shot.


	5. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don’t know if you’ve seen my end-of-work note, if you haven’t, go take a look! Luckily, I was able to finish chapters 5 and 6! Enjoy!)  
> ALSO: Just wanted to put this here:  
> I’ve never been to therapy, nor am I diagnosed with any kind of mental illness. If there’s anything you guys would like me to change or add in to make this feel more like a real therapy session would, let me know!  
> Also, if you are struggling with something like depression or anxiety, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you never will be. I also encourage you to get help if you need it.  
> I love you all. Hope you all like this so far! <3

The seconds, minutes, ticked by as Jeremy and his dad were sitting in the waiting room. He bounced his leg violently. His eyes darted all around the room, but he couldn’t help but glance at the name plates around the room, all next to different doors: “Alyssa Rose Ph. D. Clinical Psychologist”, “Jack Smith Ph. D. Family Therapist”, “Chris Stephenson MD, Psychiatrist”, “Joseph O’Neil, Marriage Counselor”. He probably looked as nervous as he felt. He went to the bathroom about three times now, just to splash his face with water and calm himself down. He knew he shouldn’t be this nervous about his first therapy session, but he couldn’t help it.

The third time he went to the bathroom, his dad checked up on him.

“Son? You okay in here?” His dad asked from behind the door, knocking on it. 

Jeremy shook the water off his hands and replied with a skeptical “yeah.”

He didn’t expect his dad to be right outside the door when he opened it. 

His dad put his hand on Jer’s shoulder and softly said, “You’ll be okay son. I know you’re nervous, and that’s perfectly understandable. Try not to think negatively or overthink anything about this.”

Jeremy flashed a sad smile and pulled his dad in for a hug. “Thanks, dad.”

 

As if on cue, Dr. Rose walked into the waiting room. “Jeremy?”

He looked up and pulled away from the hug. He greeted her warmly (he hoped it came across as that anyway), and shook her hand. His dad did the same; they followed her into her office and closed the door behind them. 

 

“I see you’ve heard about me through a squip forum?”

“Yes, I did. I um,  _ had _ a squip.”

“And you didn’t enjoy having it?”

“Well, I did at first, but… It made me do a lot of bad things.” He took a deep breath, trying not to cry.

“Are you comfortable sharing those things with me?”

“...Yeah. I probably should anyway, never good to bottle up stuff. Let me start from the beginning…”

He told it like a story to her; he told her anything. She didn’t interrupt. But she did write everything down.

“So now, I’m with Christine, and we’re doing good actually,” Jeremy said, “And me and Michael patched everything up, and we’re good too. He’s been trying his best to help me out- I’ve um,” He paused, eyes darting to the floor, and around the room, “still been having issues with my squip.”

“Issues like what?”

“I’ve..still been hearing it. Um, bits and pieces now and then, but I can still hear it talk to me sometimes. None of it good.”

“What has it said?”

“I don’t fully remember, but just little comments about what I’m doing. There was one time, about a week ago, where I went to the bathroom and it said something about me cutting class.”

“Were you cutting class?”

“No-well..I left to go to the bathroom to clear my head; I was too stressed. Sometimes when I get stressed it sounds like there’s a lot of white noise in my head, or like I’m in a room where everyone’s talking.”

Dr. Rose leaned back in her chair a bit. She wrote that down. “How long did you have your squip again?”

“Only for a couple months.” 

“Have you had any problems after you terminated your squip?”

“Yeah. I’ve um, had times when I’ve completely zoned out, like it-it feels like time’s passing slower and I’m not focusing on anything, and like, I’ll just feel..detached from the world.”

“How many times have you had periods like this?”

“Twice now. The first time was for about ten minutes, the second time for about five minutes.”

“What you’ve experienced is something called dissociation. It usually occurs in those who’ve experienced abuse or trauma, but can also be caused by stress.”

_ “So there’s a name for it.” _

“What other problems have you had?”

“W-well, it’s not so much of a problem, as it is a side effect I guess? I have these weird marks on my arm and on the back of my neck,” Jeremy said, rolling up his sleeves to show Dr. Rose, “they’re white, and they kinda feel like scars?”

“Interesting...I haven’t seen something like that before. Can you show me your neck, please?”

He turned in his chair and moved his hair so she could see them.

“I would like to take pictures of them, if that’s alright with you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” 

As she was taking the pictures, Jeremy added, “My squip would shock me a lot since I don’t have great posture and was generally considered by him to be a loser... so..”

She hummed a response and made a note of what he said. After she took pictures with them, Jeremy rolled his sleeves back down. 

“I’m gonna switch gears a little bit,” she said, “going back to the topic of your mental health: are you diagnosed with any mood disorders, like depression or anxiety?”

“No.” Jeremy looked at his dad to confirm, and he shook his head.

“How often, then, would you say you experience symptoms of depression?”

“Um...I don't know, uh, frequently I guess?”

“Daily?”

“I guess so, for the most part.”

Dr. Rose hmm-ed a reply. “What about anxiety?”

“Daily,” Jeremy replied, laughing a bit.

“Would you say that your symptoms of depression and-or anxiety were made worse by your squip?”

“...Not while I had it, but definitely afterwards.”

“Did you experience symptoms of depression or anxiety before having your squip?”

“Yeah, I have..really bad social anxiety.”

She hummed in response again, writing. 

“Before you had your squip, did you ever see or hear things that weren’t there before?”

“...Like schizophrenia?”

“Yeah.”

“No… Do you think I have schizophrenia?” Jeremy tensed up.

“It-it’s possible. You did say you can still hear your squip right? If you want, I can refer you to the psychiatrist in this clinic if you’d like? He can put you on an antipsychotic medication to stop that.”

Jeremy relaxed a bit. He looked over to his dad. They silently had the conversation- a shrug from Jeremy’s dad that meant ‘we can if you want to do that’ and a shrug from Jeremy in reply that meant ‘sure, I guess.’

“If you could give us his contact info, that’d be great,” Jeremy’s dad said.

“Yeah, sure thing.” She went to her desk and pulled out a card for Dr. Stephenson.

“Can we continue the session?” Jeremy asked.

“Absolutely,” Dr. Rose said. “Is there something you wanted to talk about specifically?”

“Well, I was just thinking: are there ways of, like, coping with the squip?”

“Well, I’ve had other clients like yourself and with all of them, I’ve come up with ways to cope with the squip. For instance, one of my clients told me her negative thoughts have taken up the voice of her squip. I suggested that whenever she hears it, she sort of talks back to it like it’s a third-grade bully picking on a teenager. She’s said that helps, if you wanna give it a try.”

Jeremy giggled. “Yeah, I’ll try that, thank you. What about like, with my squip-marks? I wanna be less self-conscious about them.”

“Do you get any negative thoughts when you look at them?”

“Not necessarily, but they do bother me when I look at them. They remind me of all the things I did when I had my squip.”

Dr. Rose was silent for a moment. “Try to combat those thoughts with more positive ones. Remind yourself you’re not that person anymore, and that you’re working hard to continue to not be that person. Try it now: look at your squip-marks and tell yourself you’re not that person. Out loud.”

“I’m not that person,” Jeremy said, repeating it; he made fists with his hands, clenching them tight. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back a bit.

Jeremy’s dad placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “I’m proud of you son. You’re gonna get better, I know it.”

“Thanks dad,” Jeremy said, trying not to cry.

_ “You’re gonna get better, Jer. You’re not that person anymore.” _

 

“Anything else you want to address?”

Jeremy looked over to his dad, then looked back at Dr. Rose. “No, that’s about it.”

“Alright! Well, then let me give you my card; this has my number on it and my email. Contact me if you have any questions, or would like to make an appointment. If I’m not available, you’ll be redirected to my secretary and you can talk to him about scheduling.”

“Awesome,” Jeremy’s dad said, taking the card and putting it in his wallet. 

“Have a good day, Jeremy,” Dr. Rose said as they walked out of her office.

“Thank you so much! You too.”

 

He walked out of therapy feeling hopeful. Having Dr. Rose there to help him work through his trauma is going to be tremendous. His dad and he celebrated that night with Chinese takeout, Jeremy’s favorite, and movie night. 

He got a text from Michael halfway through their second movie: “hey man what's goin on? Therapy go well today?”

He responded: “hell yeah man!! feeling REALLY good about today” “i’m hanging with my dad rn and we’re watching lord of the rings”

Michael replied: “neat man!! Tell your dad I said hi”

Jeremy sent him an “okay lol” and said that Michael said hi. Jeremy’s dad told him he says hi back; they went back to watching the movie.

  
  


He checked his phone before he went to bed; he got a group text from Jake, about Rich.


	6. The Smartphone Hour II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter includes a lot of negative thinking and a suicide attempt. Read with caution!  
> (Also, be wary there’s also descriptions of vomiting, if that triggers you)

The Goranski family (Rich and his parents) set up a very nice lunch, in anticipation for today. Today, Sunday, was the day that Samuel, Rich’s brother, came back from a weekend trip with his volunteer group. They went to Philadelphia to collaborate with some inner city program to do something- Rich zoned out about halfway through his brother’s lengthy explanation.

It captivated his parents though. Almost as much as it  _ completely captivated them _ when Rich tells them he got an A on a project he worked hard on, or a test he studied for, or even telling them he has a band concert next week and he’s been practicing so much and he hopes that they’ll enjoy it.

He likes his brother, don’t get him wrong; he was the first person he came out to (although it was weird; long story), and he was the first person he told about his squip. But he’s the last person he wants to be like.

His mother sigh happily. “Sammie, you’re so selfless. I’m so proud of you for taking the time to do things for people less fortunate than you.”

“Oh please,” Rich butted in, “We know the reason he actually does volunteer work is for his  _ resume. _ ”

Sam laughed dryly. “Oh? And what have you done that looks good on your resume?”

“Not much, I’m only 16.”

“And  _ I’m _ almost 18.”

“And when  _ you _ were 16, not too long ago mind you, you were off with your buddies in their van high off your ass.”

“ **Richard.** That’s enough; stop accusing your brother of such things.”

“Oh, but I’m right,” Rich said, staring angrily into his dad’s eyes, “because guess who was in the kitchen when he came home the first time he got high off his ass? And guess who never told because ‘mom and dad would freak?’”

Samuel got up and slapped Rich across the face, knocking him back and out of his chair. Rich, once on his feet, wiped the blood from his mouth raised a fist.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Dicky. Are you forgetting I have just as much dirt on you as you have on me?”

“Boys, that’s  **enough** ,” Rich’s dad said. Rich froze. His eyes darted to the floor, and he lowered his fist. Their dad turned to Sam and said, “Why don’t we talk more at dinner? You must be tired after a long weekend.”

“Sounds lovely, dad,” Sam said sweetly. Why don’t I treat you guys out? We could go to that diner up on 130?”

Rich mouthed ‘what the fuck’ to himself, throwing his hands into the air.

“Oh, honey, we haven’t been there in so long! I’d love to,” their mother said, wrapping an arm around her husband’s and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Go without me,” Rich said, walking to his room.

“What, you didn’t miss me while I was gone?”

Rich turned on his heel, walking back into the dining room. He was screaming at himself to drop this, but he wasn’t going to back down from this, nor was he going to walk away the loser. “Stop acting like you were gone for like five years, you went away for the  _ fucking weekend. _ And you went to  _ Philly. _ I was in the hospital for almost a full week, and when I came back you barely even batted a fucking eye at me so don’t pull this shit.”

“I’m sorry, are you- are you  _ blaming  _ me for you being in the hospital? That wasn’t  _ my _ fault.”

“I’m not blaming you, but if we’re going to play the Blame Game, let’s just go right ahead and blame me for every-fucking-thing else too. Because everything’s always my fucking fault.”

**“Richard, go to your room.”**

“No! I’m not the one in the wrong here. I’m not the one with the fucking saint complex who’s lied to his parents and egged his brother into a corner so he wouldn’t get grounded until he was fucking forty years old for the shit he’s pulled.”

“At least  _ I’m _ not the one having threesomes with the quarterback every weekend.”

“Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I’m having threesomes all the fucking time.” Rich immediately knew he’d regret saying he was bisexual, since he knew his parents wouldn’t take that well. They already had a sour look on their face after Sam had said Rich was probably getting high and having sex every weekend. 

_ “Yet they said I was accusing Samuel of things when I outright said he’s smoked weed and wasn’t lying about it. Goes to show how much they love him.” _

“Richard, you’re gay?” His father spoke up.

“Bisexual, but sure, since you didn’t hear me the first time. Something  _ wrong _ with that?”

“You’re going against God, of course there’s something wrong with that,” he continued.

Rich cackled. “Why did I know you were going to say that?” He paused, turning towards his room. “I’m done. Thanks Samuel. Wish you ruined my life sooner.”

_ “I may be over dramatic, but come ON,”  _ Rich thought to himself as he closed (read: slammed) the door. He turned to lock it, then flopped onto his bed. 

One of them knocked on his door. All he did was shout “no” and it seemed to work. 

Rich decided to take a nap. He didn’t want to do anything else.

  
  
  


He was woken up by a knock on the door. His mother cracked it open. “Honey, we’re going out to dinner. Do you still not want to go?”

“What do you think?”

“...Can I come in?”

He sighed. “Sure.”

She closed the door behind her and sat on the edge of his bed. 

Rich sat up. 

“There’s food in the pantry for dinner. Unless, would you like a twenty for takeout?” 

“I’ll take the twenty.”

“Okay,” she said, pulling one out of her wallet. She kissed his forehead. “There’s dessert in there too. And um..Richard?”

He locked eyes with her for the first time since he woke up.

“I love you, sweetheart. Nothing’s going to change that.” She kissed his forehead again, and stood up. She opened the door. “We’ll be back in a couple hours. The door will be locked. If you leave the house just text me and keep me updated, okay?” 

“Alright,” he replied, waving. His mother blew him a kiss, and closed the door. 

Rich started crying. A bunch of intrusive thoughts filled his head:

_ “She’s lying” _

_ “They say that but do they actually mean it?” _

_ “Why can’t they love me like they love Samuel” _

_ “Why DON’T they is probably a better question.” _

_ “No one loves me like that” _

_ “Hell I could probably fucking fall off the face of the fucking Earth and no one would care, why would they?” _

_ “I don’t deserve to live” _

_ “Hell, I fucking burned down Jake’s house, like WHO DOES THAT?” _

**_“I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance.”_ **

Rich couldn’t stop crying. His throat was throbbing and his head was pounding and his eyes burned but he sat there, head in his hands, sobbing.

_ “Man up. Stop crying you’re a fucking pussy.” _

He lifted his head up and wiped his face with his tank top. He got up and went to get some painkillers from the bathroom.

He looked in the cabinet: He noticed a bottle of Aleve. He opened it, and dumped a handful into his hand. He stared at them. His brows furrowed.

_ “How many of these can kill me?” _

He shrugged and dumped some more into his hand.  _ “Fuck it.” _

He grabbed a half-empty bottle of water. He took half of the pills at once.  _ “No going back I guess,” _ he thought, taking the rest with another gulp of water. 

He grabbed his phone to order a pizza. 

While Rich was waiting for the pizza, he started to feel really nauseous. He barely made it to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.

_ “Shit.”  _

He was able to stand; he looked at himself in the mirror.  _ “Do you really wanna die?” _

“No. No, no, no, no, no, no!” Rich leaned over the toilet, gagging himself.

_ “I DON’T WANT TO DIE ANYMORE OH NO OH FUCK, FUCK FUCK FUCK” _

He only managed to spit up this time. Frantically, he texted the first person in his contacts (He had forgotten who “Bro” was, but knew it wasn’t Samuel so he didn’t care): “br ohelp i mihgt die”

After a minute, his phone rang. It was whoever “Bro” was.

“Hello? Rich? You texted me?”

“ **Jake?** Oh. Um, yeah, yeah… oh god…” Rich vomited again. 

“Rich? Are you okay? I can hear you throwing up. Did you eat something bad?”

“Uh, uh… No… I um… took pills…”

“...Really? Aw, fuck… Look, I’ll be there ASAP, okay?”

“O-okay…” Rich said, hanging up and dropping his phone. He ran a hand through his hair.

There was a knock on the door.

“Jake? Come in!”

“Pizza?”

“Oh, um, one second,” Rich said, struggling to get up. He felt very weak.

“You alright man?” The pizza guy asked.

“Y-yeah.”

“Look, since you’re not feeling that well, I’ll give the pizza to you for free, don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“No, no, I’ll… I’ll pay,” he said, digging the twenty out of his pocket.

“No, no, please, I insist; you look horrible. Here, lie down.” 

“Alright,” Rich said, not wanting to fight with him. He lied down on the couch, but started to vomit again. 

“Oh, god,” the pizza guy exclaimed, searching for a towel, or a bucket, or  _ something  _ to clean that up with. 

“Rich?” Jake called out from the front door.

“Oh, thank god! Are you one of his friends?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“He’s throwing up like crazy,” he said, pointing to Rich.

“Ah, shit. Here, I’ll take care of him, thank you though.”

“Not a problem, he looked really sick when I got here.”

The pizza guy left. Jake grabbed the trashcan and a towel from the bathroom.

“Jake…” Rich groaned, trying to turn so he was facing him. “I… I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey,” Jake said, laying down the towel. He kneeled in front of him, gently putting his hand on Rich’s arm. “It’s gonna be okay,” he said softly.

Rich groaned, sobbing, turning to the side so he was facing the back of the couch.

Jake stood there for a second, unsure of what to do. It pained him to see Rich like this; since he’s been out of the hospital, he’s been  _ so, so happy _ .

“...Here, you probably need to drink some water,” Jake said, grabbing the bottle from the counter. “Can you sit up for me?”

Rich nodded, and propped himself up enough to be able to drink from the water bottle. He ran a hand through his hair and sniffed, wiping the tears from his face. He took the bottle.

“Slowly,” Jake said.

“Mm-hmm,” Rich replied, drinking. He took a couple big sips before putting the water down. 

“Do you think you got everything out of your system?”

“I don’t know,” Rich slurred, “but most of it is by now. Probably. I didn’t bother looking in my puke for them.”

“Do you wanna eat something? Think you can stomach it?”

“Probably.”

“Alright,” Jake said. He opened the box of pizza, taking a slice for himself, and ripping the crust off of it for Rich.

“Eat this slowly, ‘kay?”

“Yes, mom,” Rich said, laughing softly.

Jake laughed with him. “You should uh, probably get to bed.”

“Yeah, I should.” Rich tried getting off the couch, but fell to the floor.

“Shit,” Jake muttered, helping Rich up. He propped him up with an arm, and practically dragged him to his room.

“I got it from here,” Rich said, slowly climbing into bed.

“I’ll be right back, you make yourself comfortable.”

Jake cleaned up; he put the Aleve back in the bathroom and the pizza in the fridge. He wiped the floor (thank god his living room was hardwood) and brought the trashcan into Rich’s room.

Jake walked in to find Rich already asleep, one of his sheets draped over the top half of his body. He placed the trash can gently by his bedside.

Rich’s phone buzzed. His mom was calling. Jake’s heart stopped. He took the phone off his desk so it wouldn’t wake up rich. Jake silenced his phone. 

A couple seconds later, he got a text: “Honey, we’re on our way home. <3”

Jake scoffed. He put Rich’s phone back on his desk. He might as well wake Rich up, let him know his parents are going to be home soon, and that he was leaving.

“Rich? Richie?” Jake said, shaking him lightly.

Rich groaned, waving his hand slightly before letting it drop again.

“Your parents are on their way home. I cleaned up everything so they’re not gonna freak when they get here. I’m gonna go, okay? You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah,” Rich replied hoarsely.

“Hope you feel better in the morning. I’m gonna come and check up on you, that okay?”

“Okay. Can you-can you tell everyone what happened? And that I love them? And to not tell anyone at school?

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna go, okay?”

No response. Rich fell asleep again.

“Hope you feel better in the morning, Richie.”

Jake decided he should leave. He got in his car, and pulled out of the driveway. He backed up and parked in front of Rich’s house.

 

He decided to send the text now, to the group chat everyone was in, about Rich:

“Hey guys. Rich is currently asleep; he had a super rough night. 

He attempted suicide. 

He’s not in the hospital though, he took a bunch of Aleve but threw it up so,, and he didn’t want me to call poison control because then he’d go to the hospital and he didn’t want to do that either, so.

I’m gonna see to it that he doesn’t go to school tomorrow, for his mental health’s sake. 

As for me, I might not come to school, either; I’m kinda playing it by ear right now. 

Rich told me to tell you guys. He also wanted y’all to promise to not tell ANYONE. The last thing he needs is shit from people from school about it (his words).

He loves all of you. (also his words.)”

 

He drove off, passing the Goranski’s car on his way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have this chapter as a way of showing two sides of the same coin (the coin being dealing with the aftermath of having a squip). Jeremy has issues because of his squip, but is helping himself, while Rich had issues before but used his squip as a crutch to not worry about them, but now that it’s gone, he’s dealing with those problems, but not helping himself. (hopefully that makes sense. I had a really long explanation of it but cut it down, so,,)
> 
> Really hope you guys are liking this so far!! I’m not giving up on this bad boi anytime soon, so I hope you’re strapped in lol


	7. Afterthought: Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I wanted to include this as it's own little chapter instead of tacking it onto the end of chap 6.  
> I'm still mapping out everything I want to do in this story, but I felt that this helps tie the loose end at the end of chapter 6. (This takes place the next morning)

****_Jake sent a private message to Rich_

Jake: “Good morning Rich, how ya feeling?”

Rich: “Better. Thank you so much for coming over last night”

Jake: “No problem!”

 

Rich locked his phone. He got out of bed and slowly made his way to the kitchen. Sam and his mom were in the kitchen.

“Hey sweetie! There’s french toast on the counter if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks mom,” Rich said, grabbing a piece and eating it.

 

He got another text from Jake: “Just checking up on you; want me to come over? Need company?”

Rich replied: “Maybe later, mom and Samuel are still here”

 

“I was going to do some errands today, since I took off work,” Rich’s mom said, turning off the stove, “Either of you boys want to come with?”

“I’m good,” Rich said.

“I’ll come with,” Sam said.

 

Rich sent another text to Jake: “They’re going out to do stuff in a little bit, you can come over then I guess”

 

Rich busied himself with cleaning his room while he waited for Jake to come over. Suddenly, he heard a car beep a few times from outside. He peeked out the window, but couldn’t see who it was.

 

_Jake sent a private message to Rich_

Jake: Hey I’m outside

Rich: Then why’d you beep at me from your car lol you could’ve come get me

Jake: I have a surprise for you though

Rich: …

Rich: aight let me get dressed, I’ll be out in a sec

 

_Rich sent a private message to Momma_

Rich: Hey mom I’m just letting you know I’m going out with friends; door is locked, and I’ll have my phone and everything if you need me. I’ll let you know if my plans change and when I’m coming home <3

 

On his way to the car, he noticed someone was pounding on the backseat window with their fists, and could hear… Screaming?

 _“What the fuck,”_ Rich mouthed as he went to take a closer look. He noticed what looked to be like Michael and Jeremy, with their faces pressed against the window. Jeremy moved so that Christine could press her face against the window. His confusion melted into laughter, as he practically doubled over when he saw them almost punching _through_ the window, and laughing even harder when he heard Jake say “Come on guys” while trying not to laugh himself.

Rich opened the door. Christine almost fell out of the car, and Michael practically climbed over her to give Rich a bear hug.

From the very back, he heard Jeremy shout “Get in loser we’re going shopping,” earning a hearty laugh from Jake.

“H-Hi guys,” Rich stuttered.

“Hi Rich!” Michael shouted, still hugging Rich. “How you feeling?” He asked in a softer tone.

“Alright,” Rich replied. “Better now, at least.”

“That’s great!”

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Jeremy said from his seat in the car.

“Yeah!” Christine added.

“Thanks guys,” Rich said. He climbed into the passenger seat. “Where are we even going?”

“Jenna’s house-”

“She got a trampoline!” Christine shouted, cutting off Michael; she immediately apologized, giggling.

Jake smiled and added, "Since we got off because of a teacher in-service thing, we're all spending the day at Jenna's!"

“Neat! Alright, well, let’s go!” Rich said, putting on his seat belt.

He was glad he was doing this today. He was glad that his friends (he wasn’t sure who thought of this) thought of doing this. He really appreciated that they wanted to cheer him up after having such a rough night. He doesn’t know what he’d do without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 is in the works!! It'll be kinda long, since it's about Thanksgiving!


	8. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (What a coincidence, me posting this on Thanksgiving. This wasn't planned lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To preface: Michael’s family members are completely made up in this story; I don’t know if he has two parents, much less a mom and dad. Also, I don’t know Jeremy’s dad’s name, but I’ve decided it’s gonna be John lol
> 
> This is the chapter the Mell Family is introduced: Parents Mateo and Maya, Uncle Ray, Aunt Joy and Uncle Cal, and the cousins: Jess (15), Kyle and Carl (10, twins) Allie (7) and Little Nick (6)
> 
> **If there's any canon regarding family members for any of the characters PLEASE let me know so I can fix it! The story probably won't be altered, and if it is, hopefully not by that much.  
> Also, since Jeremy's canonically Jewish, I thought I'd include that.
> 
>  
> 
> Also also; the family may be referenced or included in future chapters, so keep an eye out for that.

Jeremy rang the doorbell. His dad nervously adjusted his tie. In left his hand was a casserole, and on top of that, a large cheesecake. Jeremy had in his hands a container filled with potato pancakes.

“Never done Thanksgiving with another family before,” Jeremy’s dad piped up, as they waited for someone to open the door. “It’s exciting. Don’t know why we haven’t thought of doing this before with the Mell’s.”

“I dunno either,” Jeremy said.

The Heere’s were greeted by a child at the door. “Hello!” he shouted, “I’m Nicky!”

Michael appeared behind him, shooing another child, who looked older (but not by much off) to the kitchen with him. “Hey! Glad you could make it! Come in!” He turned to shout to (Jeremy guessed) one of his parents: “MA! Jeremy and his dad are here!”

Michael turned back to the Heere’s, motioning them inside. He pointed Mr. Heere in the direction of the kitchen, and brought Jeremy into the living room.

“Guys, this is Jeremy!” Michael announced, gesturing grandly with his arms. Jeremy waved meekly, making sure to get a good glance at everyone.

Michael’s uncle Ray introduced himself first, peeling his eyes away from the football game on screen. “I’m Ray.” He gave Jeremy a bright smile and a firm, warm handshake. His accent, Jeremy noticed, was a mix between Jersey and Spanish; slowly changing, but still nuanced. “Behind me is my wife Joy, and Maya’s brother Cal.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you guys in person!” Jeremy said.

“This was the big year everyone decided to come down. Usually it’s just us, and maybe Uncle Cal and my cousins,” Michael explained. Suddenly, he shrieked and almost jumped out of his skin. Jess, one of his cousins, had scared him from behind.

Immediately, Michael turned to her. He retaliated by slapping her arm lightly with the back of his hand. Jeremy laughed.

“Oh! The other cousins! Here, lemme point them out to you In order: Carl, Allie, Kyle, Nick.” Michael rattled them off, patting them on the head as they each ran past him. Jess ran after them, scooping Nick up and bouncing him up and down playfully.

“Dinner in five!” Ray exclaimed, clasping his hands together.

That was the cue.

They all took a seat at the table, except for Joy, who had to herd the little ones into the kitchen and seat them herself. Michael’s parents shared an end of the table, and Uncle Cal sat at the other end of them. On the left, were Michael, Jeremy, and his dad, while Uncle Ray, Aunt Joy, and Jess sat on the right.

Jeremy scanned the table. It was crammed with an eclectic assortment of food. Nevertheless, the Kugel and pancakes they (literally) brought to the table stuck out like a sore thumb.

Michael’s family seemed to like them, though. Wanting to try something new, Michael’s mom dared to them first. They were a hit!

Jeremy and his dad exchanged glances, and both sighed breaths of relief. John guessed that good food means a good first impression- he told himself to keep that in mind.

Jokes and stories quickly took center stage at the table. Michael’s aunts and uncles all told stories about when they were kids, and to Jess’s Michael’s dismay, brought up embarrassing stuff they did as kids together.

Joy had just excused herself to the bathroom, when, from the kitchen, one of the kids started crying. 

“Carajo”, Maya muttered under her breath. She got up and hurried over, softly and smoothly calming Nicky down. She dished out some more food for the kids and came back to the table.

“That’s the quickest he stopped crying,” Mateo said. “That’s a record,” he added, laughing.

Jeremy smiled. He heard a hushed voice in his head reminding him: You’re slouching. He jolted upright, feeling a subconscious “shock” in the middle of his back.

Michael nudged him, and flashed a look that seemed to ask if he was okay for him.

Jeremy gave him a thumbs up in reply.

Jess gave Michael a confused look. “I’ll explain later,” he mouthed.

So far, dinner had been going as smoothly as Jeremy had hoped. He was surprised that his squip hasn’t made any surprise visits so far; he was having a troublesome week with it, since he’s been getting used to his medication and whatnot.

But therapy has been helping: he’s confident now that he can keep everything under control.

Jeremy went to take a sip of water. As he put the cup to his lips, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. When he went to look at it, however, it disappeared.

He shrugged. It was probably just one of the kids.

He nudged Michael and said, “Can you let me out? I gotta pee.”

“Yeah sure man.” Michael backed up to let Jeremy out.

He made his way down the hall to the bathroom; he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard it. His squip.

_ “Jeremy…” _ it said quietly from behind him.

Jeremy fumbled a bit to get the bathroom door open, but once he did, he immediately closed it behind him.

He leaned against the door and shut his eyes tight. He took in deep breaths.

_ “Don’t give it what it wants.” _

After a few moments he slowly opened his eyes and stood over the sink, avoiding looking at the mirror on the cabinet.

He dared a glance.

He saw it behind him, reaching out its hands to grab his shoulders.

He spun on his heel, stumbling backwards into a rack next to the sink and falling to the floor. On the way down, he knocked a glass cup over, and it broke when it hit the ground.

“Shit.”

He looked back up. It was gone.

_ “Don’t taunt me. Go away.” _

_ I’m not taunting you, Jeremy. I was simply making sure you weren’t getting too comfortable. _

The squip reappeared right in front of Jeremy, towering over him and glaring him in the eyes.

_ I know you’re trying to get rid of me. _

Jeremy could feel his squip grab his chin. He couldn’t look away from it as it hissed,  _ I will never go away. Don’t you get it? _

Jeremy was paralyzed by fear. He didn’t realize he was crying until his squip let go of him and glitched out of view.

_ “You can keep this under control. You can keep this under control.  _ _ Don’t give it what it wants.” _

“Jeremy?” Michael called out, knocking on the door. “Everything alright?”

“U-uh, yeah, I knocked over a glass.”

“Can I come in?”

“...Yeah.”

Michael opened the door. Jeremy was trying to pick up the big pieces of glass.

“Hold, on, I’ll get a broom.”

“Okay,” Jeremy replied sheepishly. He apologized profusely when Michael came back. He felt so embarrassed.

Michael cut him off. “Dude, don’t worry about it, my mom breaks glasses all the time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Michael said, laughing to himself.

Jeremy flashed an anxious smile. “I keep seeing my squip, and it’s been freaking me out.”

“...Yeah?” Michael said, stopping to look at him with a serious, concerned expression, “Are you okay? Or- gonna be?”

“I-I think so.”

Michael stared at him for a second, and went back to cleaning up the glass. “I just get worried every time you mention it.”

“...Sorry?” Jeremy rubbed his arm.

“No, you don’t have to apologize, I know this is hard for you.”

“Well, you know me: I don’t like to worry people.”

Michael exhaled a short laugh. “You and me both.” He stood up with a full dustpan, and dumped it into the small waste bin by the bathtub. “That should be all of it?” he said unsurely.

“Come on,” Michael said, lightly putting his arm around Jeremy, “let’s get some dessert.”

They both walked into the living room to find Uncle Cal sitting in front of the TV.

“Ah, there you boys are! Had me worried for a sec,” he said with a smile, pointing at them.

“Oh, we’re fine. Jeremy just knocked over one of the cups in the bathroom, and it broke, so we cleaned it up.”

“Ah okay. Desserts on the table; the boys left early, but Jess and Aunt Joy are still here. They’re in the kitchen.”

“Awesome,” Michael, said, and they hurried into the kitchen.

Michael and Jeremy both grabbed a slice of cheesecake and sat at the table.

“You good?” Jess asked them.

“Yup,” Michael replied simply, shoveling half of his slice into his mouth. “You would not believe how long it’s been since I had cheesecake,” Michael said with his mouth full.

Jeremy smiled. “Is it good? I made it.”

“Fuck yeah, it’s good!”

Michael’s mom, who he was sitting next to, smacked his shoulder. “No cursing mijo.”

“Sorry mom.”

“And don’t talk with your mouth full!”

He swallowed. “Better?.”

“Yeah.” His mom smiled. She went back to doing the crossword puzzle she was working on. Jess and Jeremy chatted and joked around with Michael for a little while, before they both had to go.

“It was awesome to meet you! Michael doesn’t talk about you all that often, so it’s nice to see the person behind the stories that he does tell.”

Jess smiled. “I guess I’m not all that exciting,” She said, looking at Michael, who waved her comment off.

Jeremy’s dad, with empty dishes in hand, walked up behind Jeremy. “Ready to go, son?”

“Yeah. Thanks for having us!”

“No problem man! We’re always happy to have you. We should do this next year!”

“Oh my god, yeah!”

Jeremy’s dad opened the door, and they waved goodbye as they made their way to the car.

The first minute or two was weirdly quiet. Jeremy chalked it up to his dad being tired.

They got to the red light by the house, and Jeremy’s dad piped up. “Did your squip show up in the bathroom?”

“...Yeah. But I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah. It just scared me is all.”

“Alright. You know you can always-”

“Talk to you. Yeah, I know.” Jeremy said, smiling at his dad. Oh, if only he had a dollar every time he heard that.

He returned the smile. “I love you Jer.”

“I love you too dad.”

They pulled into the driveway. They trudged into the house, and both went to bed quietly, exchanging “good nights” from across the hallway.

Jeremy got into bed, and perused Snapchat for a little bit before going to sleep. Soon, he got distracted by his own thoughts. (Never a good sign.)

He thought back to what his squip said in the bathroom.

_ I will never go away. Don’t you get it? _

Jeremy starts to cry. He can feel his chest constrict and his head pound.

He wants it to go away.

He doesn’t want it to hurt him anymore.

He doesn’t want  _ it _ to make _ him _ hurt anyone.

Jeremy sat up. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to slow his breathing and snap out of his anxiety attack.

He decided to get out of bed. He slowly made his way to the bathroom.

He turned on the light, and looked in the mirror.

He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, he noticed a cloud of static in the doorway behind him. He could faintly see a pair of eyes through the haze, and he looked directly into them.

“I’m much stronger than you. Whatever bullshit you got, I can take it.”

He turned on the faucet and washed his face with cold water. He glanced back up at the mirror, and noticed the static was gone.

_ “Thank god.” _

He went back to bed, and felt better.

He still felt a threat, but didn’t want to think about it too much.

He just had to remember:  _ Don’t give it what it wants. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just putting this out there: I'm white. But I know a lot of people, including myself, headcanon Michael as POC (I've seen a lot of differing headcanons so,). If I got any aspect of Hispanic culture wrong let me know as well, so I can fix it; I'd rather fix it than leave it as it is.  
> \---  
> I'M SORRY FOR NOT POSTING IN FOREVER >.< been real busy w/ school and my life's lowkey been a mess for like a month or so lol  
> Luckily I've completed a whole bunch of chapters at once, and am working on more for you guys, so stay tuned!


	9. Afterthought: Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another installment of "Therapy with Jeremy". This one's short because I wanted to expand on the end of last chapter.   
> The end is left open partially because I didn't want to write out a whole therapy session. Though it's not addressed in the chapter, he does talk about his relationship w/ Christine to Dr. Rose.
> 
> Enjoy!

“How have you been since our last session? Is your medication starting to work?”

“I think so… But I did have another encounter with my squip. At Thanksgiving. I was in the bathroom and it just... appeared out of nowhere and was like ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily,’” Jeremy explained, throwing in a half-assed impersonation for good measure.

“Hmm…”

“This time was… different though, because it was actually able to touch me. It like grabbed my face by the chin and it forced me to look it in the eyes… Soulless, draining…” Jeremy trailed off, slouching and gazing at the floor. He swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling his chest tense up.

“It does seem like it’s not going away. I would try drinking more Mountain Dew Red, if you have any. That should help, along with taking your medication as usual. I’ve only had two other patients tell me they’ve had this happen to them, but both of them said that drinking Mountain Dew Red helped them diminish their squip’s presence and power.”

Jeremy hummed a response. “That makes sense.”

“Anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“Yeah! there’s…”


	10. Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the time has come. Jer's breaking up with Christine.   
> But, have no fear! I'm making a promise to NOT put her on the back burner and forget about her. She's too important of a character to do that to her; besides, randomly pushing her out of the way to make room for Boyf riends to happen is stupid.
> 
> i will (hopefully) do her justice! (I have a thing fleshed out for her that I don't think renders her useless in the story)

_ Jeremy sent a private message to Michael _

_ Jeremy: Hey can I call you? I gotta talk to you, it’s kinda important _

_ Michael: Yeah sure, you okay? _

_ Michael: it’s not your squip is it _

_ Jeremy: No it’s about Christine… _

_ Michael: oH _

_ Michael: okay _

“Hey,” Jeremy said when Michael picked up.

“Everything good?”

Jeremy made a noise of distress. After a second, he explained his situation to Michael. “...Should I break up with Christine?”

“Uh... uh…” Michael tried to come up with a response, but couldn’t form the words.

_ “This is so sudden, what the heck Jer” _

“You wanna break up with her?”

“Kinda…? I don’t know, it sounds selfish.”

“Selfish how? Why d’you wanna break up with her?”

“I… I guess I realized I probably should take better care of myself before I handle a relationship?”

_ “Hmmm.”  _ Michael thought about it. _ “Jeremy’s squip  _ **_has_ ** _ been acting up again recently…   _

“...Is that even fair to her?” Jeremy said. He threw his arms up in the air, guilty and unsure of what to do.

“I’m not entirely sure about that, but I am sure she’ll understand. She knows at the least that you have a lot of problems - no offence.”

“None taken, that’s kinda my reasoning. I just don’t feel all that comfortable in a relationship I guess… Like I feel vulnerable.”

_ “Vulnerable enough to let my squip take control of my life again” _

_ “Do you really wanna do this?” _

_ “Yes. No… I-I don’t know” _

_ “Well, make up your mind, genius. You’re almost at school” _

Jeremy nervously rubbed his left thumb over his right.

His bus pulled up to the school, and the driver started letting people off. By the time he’d stepped off the bus, he came to the decision:

_ “I’m gonna do it. I have to.” _

He found Christine in the library, printing something out for one of her classes.

Michael came up behind him, scaring Jeremy slightly. “You sure you wanna do this? You know she could help you through your squip stuff, keep you grounded and all that?”

“I… I don’t know man,” Jeremy sighed, picking at his nails, “like, I feel like I can handle all this squip shit myself, it’s just… I guess I don’t feel like I’m responsible enough to handle dating someone  _ on top of  _ all my shit?”

“You really think?”

“..Yeah.”

“...Alright. You got this, then.”

Jeremy looked at Michael, then back over to Christine. He took a deep breath, and made his way over to her.


	11. Mell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took me a while.   
> I had writer's block for like two weeks and I'm still iffy on Jer's and Michael's conversation in this chapter so I might end up changing it entirely or just editing it, idk yet.  
> But I hope you all like it! I’ll let you all know if/when I do make changes to this chapter!

He’s tried to not think about it.

It was a little too painful to want to remember.

He figured letting it go would be best for the both of them. 

He still felt that it’s best for him, at least, if he actually processed everything that happened. So he did. 

  
  


 

He woke with a start, a minute or so after collapsing. He immediately felt the pressure and ringing in his ears.

All his friends, and Mr. Reyes, were still on the floor, not moving.

Luckily, he was able to wake Mr. Reyes. But he couldn’t seem to get any of his friends to do the same. While Mr. Reyes tried keeping the audience calm as they left the auditorium, Michael immediately tried helping his friends.

He went and checked all his friends, and noticed that the only one not breathing at first was Jeremy.

He clawed his way away from having a panic attack when Jeremy wasn’t responsive.

He called 911.

He thanked the lord that he was certified in first aid and CPR.

He thanked the lord he didn’t have to perform CPR.

He watched over all his friends like a hawk, and continuously asked Chloe, Brooke, Jenna and Jake if they were okay after they all regained consciousness.

He followed the ambulance to the hospital. He called Jeremy’s dad to let him know, thinking  _ he _ might have to go to the emergency room himself, with how tight with fear his chest was. 

He felt so pathetic, watching his best friend get put in the emergency room together, and being forced to stay in the waiting room.

He cried so much when the doctors told him Jeremy was both stable and on a fast track towards recovery.

He cried when Jeremy’s dad arrived at the hospital, who hugged him tight when he told him the news.

  
  


Michael made a promise to himself to visit Jer each day he was in the hospital. Today was the second day. Rich was fast asleep, and visiting hours hadn’t ended yet. 

They started out talking about random things, like what Jeremy was watching on TV (in his defense, he couldn’t change the channel). Then, Michael noticed Jer’s squip-marks and got really quiet. 

The sudden change caught Jeremy off guard. “You okay?” he asked.

“U-uh, yeah I just… I dunno man.” He thought it’d be rude to point them out.

“...If you’re still worried about me, I’m fine-”

“No, I just… Feel bad, I guess? ‘Bout this whole thing.” 

“I mean, it’s not your fault.”

“No, I know- well, I mean it kinda  _ is _ -”

“Nah man, don’t blame yourself at all.”

“.......Okay. I... Thanks.” He exhaled a quick, nervous laugh. “Sorry, I… I just- I didn’t want you to hate me…?” A million things started running through his head. The emotion process he went through over the past couple weeks suddenly flooded back into him in mere seconds. His body’s response? Crying, obviously. 

_ “Oh, come on. Really?”  _ Michael thought.

Jeremy leaned forward, immediately trying to remedy the situation. “H-hey! It’s okay! Please, oh my god, don’t cry…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I, I just.. Uuuugh.” He wiped his face forcefully with his hands. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to start crying.”

“That’s alright, really… Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just thinkin’ about all the stuff that’s been happening caught up to me finally, I guess. I wanted to say… That I’m happy things are gonna return to normal.”

“..Me too,  _ god _ .”

They exchanged the same tiny little smile.

“And Michael…”

His head perked up.

“Don’t blame yourself for any of this. And don’t think I’m genuinely mad at you for anything! If anything,  _ I _ should apologize for what I did. I felt so bad for calling you a loser when I looked back on it.”

“...You did?” Michael started to feel tears coming again. He was a little unsure if they were sad tears or not.

“Yeah!  _ So _ ... I’m sorry for trying to be someone I’m not, and acting like a jerk towards you. I shouldn’t have done that. Because I wasted $400 on some Tic-Tac computer chip that I thought would make me  _ cool _ .” Jeremy punctuated his sentence with a joking wave of his hands. They both laughed.

“I accept your apology.”

There was a knock on the door. A nurse opened it.

“Visiting hours end in five minutes.”

“Okay, thank you.”

She closed the door.

“That’s my cue then.”

“Yeah, some of the nurses get kinda pissed when people take their time leaving.”

Michael smiled. He grabbed his phone from the little table next to Jeremy’s bed, and headed for the door.

“Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Have a good night.”

“You too.”

“...Um, hey. I mean what I said. I don’t know if it came across as condescending or whatever, so I just wanted you to know.”

“Oh. No, I knew. But thanks anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya!”

 

Michael started thinking again on his way to the car. He felt really relieved that Jeremy said he shouldn’t feel bad about any of this. That being said, he knew it would be a little while before he actually didn’t. 

He could at least try right now. That’s what mattered most to him.  _ Things will be fine in no time. _

  
  


 

 

A sudden noise snapped him out of his train of thought.

It was Jeremy. He was laughing at his character on screen, glitching out all over the place and flying halfway across the map.

...That was the loudest he’s heard Jeremy laugh since the whole “squip thing” happened.

And thinking about that almost made him cry; not sad tears, but proud tears.


	12. Something New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, how you doing?
> 
> Sorry this is so late >.> School's been kicking my ass with midterms and just this marking period in general being hectic for me (also writer's block;;; I didn't realize that it's been 3 whole months since i last updated...)
> 
> Also- I'm sorry if this chapter's pacing is really weird; reading it back, it feels fine but idk it seems a little disjointed (that's probably because it's a bit longer than other chapters but whatever), I hope y'all enjoy it nonetheless!

Rich doesn’t know when it started, but now he can’t stop thinking about him.

He’s thought about all of the guys he could date. Of all the guys he’s thought about holding hands with, cuddling on the couch with, making out with...

He knew one thing:  Michael interested him the most.

But having no idea if Michael would be interested in him made him nervous.

As soon as he came out of the hospital, he wanted to ask Michael out. But, he figured it’d be best to wait a little bit longer. _ “Y’know, right timing and everything,”  _ he told himself.

A few (painfully slow) days later, he stopped Michael in the hallway at the end of the school day.

“Heey, Michael,” Rich said awkwardly, while leaning against his locker just as awkwardly.

Michael raised an eyebrow. “You okay dude?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rich said.

_ “Just play it cool, man” _

“I was wondering… You wanna like, hang out sometime? Maybe Friday?” 

“...Like, as a date?”

“Well, I mean, uh, yeah, if you want it to be,” Rich quickly replied, laughing nervously. His eyes flickered across Michael’s face, trying desperately to read it. He subconsciously played with the string on his sweatshirt.

“Oh… Okay!”

“Alright, cool! Um, I’ll text you later about plans or something. I have to go.”

“Okay, then I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay!”

_ “OH MY GOD I DID IT. HOOOH BOY OKAY.”  _ Rich was able to keep his composure, despite nearly freaking out on the inside.

 

_ “HE ASKED ME OUT??? HOLY SHIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO?? BUT I'M EXCITED???”  _ Michael thought, barely keeping himself together as well.

He looked at Rich as he walked away, and couldn’t help but smile as wide as he could.

_ “Well, this is new.” _

  
  
  


“How do I look?” Michael smoothed his hair down for the umpteenth time.

“Dude, you look fine,” Jeremy dismissed, rolling his eyes. He smiled at Michael through the mirror.

“I mean, I’m trying not to like  _ obsess  _ over this, but like, I wanna look good at least.”

“I get it man, believe me,” Jer replied with a laugh. “Wonder how much Rich is obsessing over this.”

“Hmm…” Michael couldn’t help but wonder too.

 

Rich was occupied with picking at his face. He was switching gears every other minute, going from dressing to combing his hair, to looking at his face in the mirror.

He was a little all over the place. Somehow, he managed to finish getting ready by the time Michael came to get him.

He glanced out into the living room from the doorway. Sam was sitting on the couch, watching college football between a routine checking of his phone. His mom wouldn’t be home from work for another hour, and his dad was away for business, leaving Sam to ‘watch the house and take care of Rich.’

_ “Yeah, Samuel does a REAL good job of taking care of me.” _

As Sam got up to get a drink, the sound of Michael’s horn from out front echoed through the house.

Sam turned to see Rich walking a little weirdly out of his bedroom. Rich was wearing a loose button-up, with a plain black t-shirt underneath.

“...Going somewhere?” He turned to see who parked out front. The familiar PT Cruiser gave Sam the impression he was hanging out with friends.

“Uh, yeah. Gonna hang out with Michael for a little bit.”

“Alright. I’ll tell Mom. Be home before 9, if you’re eating dinner there.”

“‘Kay.”

“And,” he said, stopping in front of Rich, putting out his hand. “No funny business.”

“You’re one to talk. If by funny business, you mean  _ drugs _ ,” he said ‘drugs’ in a mocking tone, rolling his eyes, “you can count on me to not do ‘em. Cause, ya know, I actually listen to Mom and Dad.”

“Didn’t the other day.” Sam gently put his glass on the coffee table and plopped onto the couch.

“Fuck you, I’m leaving.”

“Wear protection!”

Rich irritatedly slammed the door. He quickly regained composure, and made his way to Michael’s car.

“Hey man,” Rich greeted him as he got in the car.

“Sup Rich!”

As Rich put on his seatbelt, they both realized that they never  _ actually _ made concrete plans, but assumed the other would propose an idea.

They locked eyes for a moment. Then they both burst out laughing.

“Wait, we didn’t actually ever make plans did we?”

“No.”

“Well shit. Wanna just come to my house and chill? I got a Switch last week.”

“Oh, nice! Yeah!”

Michael turned on the radio as he pulled away from the curb. “You can pick what station you want, if you’d like.”

“Ooh, thanks.” He turned it up to hear what was playing: Bring Me to Life by Evanescence.

“Dude, are you fucking-” Rich laughed hard once more. 

Michael joined in, explaining through his laughter, “yeah sometimes 104-5 plays Bring Me to Life.”

“I fucking forget this song exists the more I don’t hear it as a meme.”

“Same, oh my god.”

Michael paused for a second. “You wanna grab some Starbucks?” He realized they were coming up on the one on Main Street. 

“Uh, I’m good. Did you wanna go in?”

“Yeah, I wanted coffee.”

“A’right.”

He parked hastily in the space out front, and straightened out the car. He almost bumped into the car behind him as he pulled into the spot. 

Michael sucked in a breath through his teeth. “I’m a good driver, I swear,” he joked.

Rich laughed softly and replied, “I believe you don’t worry.”

When they got inside, they both looked into the dessert case for a snack. “You hungry?” Michael asked.

“I could go for a cookie.”

“Chocolate chip?”

“Yes please.”

“Alrighty! If you wanna go sit down, you can.”

“Okay.”

Rich sat down at a table while Michael ordered. He checked his phone by habit.

After Michael finished his order, he went over to the other counter to pick it up. 

He looked over at Rich, who was still on his phone. 

He started to wonder why Rich randomly asked him out. Michael thought about it, and realized it may not have been completely random; he remembered Rich asked Jeremy if Michael was single when he was in the hospital. 

Well now he’s curious about how long Rich has liked him.

He shrugged to himself. When his order was called, he grabbed it and quickly sat down across the table from Rich. 

“What’d you get?”

“One of their seasonal lattes. I think it was the gingerbread one.” He looked at the menu board behind him to confirm. “Yeah. Wanna sip?”

“Sure, thanks.”

“Uh, so I gotta question,” Michael asked as Rich tasted the coffee.

“Shoot.”

Michael laughed nervously. “Uh, so… it seems kinda random for you to ask me out.”

Rich knew Michael was gonna bring it up. “Well, I mean I’ve kinda liked you for a while. And since now’s kind of a new chapter for all of us, I figured why not?”

Michael thought about what he said for a moment.  _ That makes sense. It does seem like this whole squip thing has changed all of us for the better. _

“Hmm. I get that, yeah.” They exchanged smiles, and Michael took a sip of the coffee himself. “Sorry if it’s like, weird to talk about. I dunno if me asking you was like, weird or whatever.”

“Nah man, it’s fine,” Rich said with a quick wave of his hand, “I’ve wanted to get to know you better anyway, now that we’re friends.”

Michael nodded in reply. There was a pause between them. 

Michael noticed how crowded it was in the Starbucks for the first time. It made him feel a little uneasy. “Hey, you wanna get outta here? We can chill at my house.”

“Sure! It got crowded in here quick, huh?”

“Yeah, heh.”

The ride to Michael’s house was quiet. A couple times, Michael had to reassure himself it wasn’t awkward between him and Rich now. 

So did Rich.

“Alrighty,” Michael said as he pulled into the driveway. He waved to his mom, who was watering the plants in the sill on the porch.

“Hi boys!”

“Hey mom! This is Rich.”

“Oh I remember you talking about Rich!” Michael’s mom turned to him. “How are you? You doing okay?”

_ What has Michael said about me to his mom?? _

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, thanks for asking!”

“We’re gonna chill in the basement.”

“Okay! Have fun. Don’t forget to take out the trash, okay?”

“Oh, thank you for reminding me. I’ll do it before dinner, okay?”

“Okay.” She ruffled his hair, to Michael’s discontent; he playfully waved her hand away and went inside.

 

He led Rich downstairs into the basement. It was only half-renovated, but the part that was complete resembled an arcade from the 80s. 

“...Wow.”

“I know right?! It’s my pride and joy. Half this stuff I’ve bought with my own money! Have a look around; there’s a cooler over there with drinks in it if you’re thirsty.”

“Awesome!” Rich walked over to the wall by the TV. There were shelves of games from a wide range of older consoles, and in the cabinet under the TV, Rich spotted games from recent ones. He turned around to find three arcade cabinets against the wall- Burger Time, Punch Out, and Pac Man.

 

“Aw crap, I just realized I lent Mario Kart to my cousins the other day. You wanna play it on the Wii instead?”

“Yeah, that’s fine!” Rich replied as he grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler. He plopped onto the couch; Michael tossed a controller his way, and set up the Wii. As Mario Kart loaded up, he joined Rich on the couch. 

“I’m so gonna kick your ass at this,” Michael declared.

“Bet me,” Rich replied with a quiet laugh. He subconsciously leaned over, his shoulder touching Michael’s. 

Michael’s heart fluttered for a moment. He smiled back at Rich, and then turned his attention back to the game. “What, uh- what do you wanna pick?”

“Let’s do some races, I don’t really like the battle mode that much.”

“Alrighty.” He picked race mode, and had Rich pick out the level. 

Rich was way better at this than he expected. Michael considered himself a pro at Mario Kart, but he found himself coming second to him in almost half of the races. 

 

They had been playing for almost a half hour, which they spent jokingly trash-talking and flirting with each other. Rich ended up coming out on top by a few points, which earned Michael a victory-dance performance from him.

He plopped down on the couch afterwards, laughing really hard and landing really close to Michael. 

He looked over at him. Rich’s eyes flicked from Michael’s eyes to his lips a few times. 

The moment of silence between them lasted mere seconds, but felt like minutes.

Rich’s thoughts ran wild:

_ He looks so hot right now _

_ You should totally kiss him _

_ You really should kiss him, you’ll miss this chance _

Impulsively, he asked. “Can… Can I kiss you?”

“Uhh…” The question caught him off guard. 

_ “...Fuck it, why not,”  _ Michael thought.

“Yeah!”

Rich exhaled an “okay” and leaned in. His heart was racing, from what he guessed was both nervousness and excitement. He had no idea what he was doing, but at the same time, he knew he wasn’t doing it  _ wrong _ ….

Michael kissed back almost right away. He noticed Rich’s lips were slightly chapped, and he could just barely taste the chocolate from the cookie he had earlier. 

It was silent in the room, except for the TV. The air felt heavy between them, but they were both comfortable with this.

Rich pulled away to breathe. They both exchanged the biggest smiles they could give. There was one thought going through both of their minds as they collected themselves:

_...I like this. _

Rich started laughing again, burying his head in the crook of Michael’s neck. Michael wrapped his hands around Rich’s waist, pulling him a little bit closer, laughing with him.

This is the happiest Rich has felt in a while. It was weird for him to be so intimate, so vulnerable, with another person. Too many times has he had that be used against him. Especially before he got a squip. But he realized he could trust Michael. And, since his feelings towards him are reciprocated, he supposed that Michael would have no reason to hurt him.

Just this once, he let himself have this.

 

The brief, shared moment of peace was interrupted by Rich’s phone ringing. It was Sam.

Rich rolled his eyes and answered the phone. “Yello’?”

“You coming home for dinner?”

“Uhh… Should I?” 

“You don’t have to, if you’ve planned something with your  _ boyfriend. _ ”

Rich went completely silent. He tensed up, his eyes wide with panic. 

_ Shit. Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit. _

“Uhhh, uhhh, look, Samuel, I can-”

“Hey hey hey. I’m just teasing you dude, god damn. I couldn’t care less who you’re fucking, so..”

Rich swallowed hard. “....Thanks, I guess?” He nervously glanced over at Michael, who silently asked him if he was okay. Rich nodded in response, although that probably didn’t convince him.

“Hold on one second.” He lowered his phone. “Michael, could I stay for dinner?”

“Uh, yeah sure, I don’t think my parents will mind.”

“Cool.” Rich put his phone back against his ear. “Yeah, could I stay for dinner?”

“Go ahead man, I’ll tell mom and dad. You getting dropped off afterwards?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Alright then. Have fun Dicky be back before 9~”

“I-”

Sam hung up before Rich could say anything. Rich didn’t even remember what he was going to say. 

Michael flashed a nervous smile. “You’re good?”

“Yeah.” Rich laid back against Michael, turning to kiss him softly on the lips. He couldn’t help but smile.

“You wanna keep playing, or do something else?”

“Well I can think of something we could do instead…” Rich said, kissing Michael again.

“...Oh?” 

“Mmmhmm,” Rich said, kissing him a few more times.

“Uh, I uh… I don’t think we should…”

“...Oh! No no no, I didn’t mean that!” Rich said, laughing nervously. “I thought maybe we could just make out or something.”

“Oh. Sounds good to me…”

Rich pulled Michael on top of him. He trailed a hand down the back of Michael’s neck, playing with his hair. 

He tested the waters further by slipping his tongue over Michael’s, eliciting a soft moan from him. Pushing further, he was met with Michael’s tongue bumping against his; he pulled away, smiling hazily and wiping away spit with his index finger. They both giggled softly, slightly embarrassed but happy nonetheless.

 

A knock on the door upstairs nearly made both of them jump out of their skin.

“Boys, dinner will be ready soon.”

“Okay!” they said in unison.

“Oh,” Michael groaned, “I forgot I have to take out the trash.”

Rich laughed. “You should go do that then.”

“I will. I’ll meet you upstairs.” 

They parted with a kiss. Rich put away Mario Kart and headed upstairs for dinner.

Dinner was simple: chicken and rice. The conversations went as usual; Michael and his mom talked about school and grades and everything. 

“So what were you boys doing downstairs?”

_ PLAY IT COOL _

“Oh, we were just playing Mario Kart,” Michael said.

Rich looked at Michael, then at his mom, then back at him, trying to smile as normal as possible.

“Nice. Did you win?”

“No.” Michael said with a pouty face.”Rich beat me.”

“Not my fault I’m better than you.”

“Oh yeah? Well I want a rematch. We’ll see who’s better  _ then _ .”

“Uh huh, yeah.” 

_ Thank god Michael saved that. I definitely wouldn’t have. _

 

Rich checked his phone while Michael helped clean up; all he had to do was load the dishwasher.

“Either of you want dessert?”

“I’m good, thank you,” Rich said.

“I’m good too, thanks though.”

Michael’s mom went into the laundry room.

Michael sat next to Rich at the table. Rich was playing a puzzle game on his phone. Michael leaned closer to him, hooking an arm around one of his.

“Ya winning, son?” Michael said with a shit-eating grin.

Rich laughed and nudged him with his elbow, muttering a ‘shut up.’

Michael looked at the time- it was only quarter to eight, but it felt like it was later.

“You wanna do anything else before you gotta go home?”

“We could chill on the couch I guess.”

“Whatever you want.”

“Okay,” Rich said, stretching as he stood up. He followed Michael into the living room, and they sat so they could cuddle on the couch. Rich continued playing his game, and Michael switched between scrolling through Instagram and watching Rich. He would interrupt to show him memes or funny videos.

By the time Michael checked the time again, it was 8:30.

“Oh shoot, time flies. It’s 8:30. You wanna go now?”

“Yeah I probably should, my mom hates when I’m out past curfew.”

“Okay then; did you leave anything downstairs?”

“No I’m good.”

“Okay.” Michael turned to the laundry room. “Ma, I’ll be back!”

“Alright! Drive safe!”

The drive to Rich’s house was calm. They sang along to the music on the radio together. Rich stuck his arm around the window, moving it to the beat.

The ride seemed so short. 

“I had fun today.”

“Good! I’m sorry I didn’t really have anything planned.”

“No it’s okay! I actually like chill dates like these, so hopefully we do more of these in the future?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

Rich started to lean in for a kiss. Michael met him in the middle.

He pulled away for a second to say goodbye, and then left him with one more quick peck. He got out of the car and waved to him as he drove off, jokingly blowing a kiss for good measure.

He opened the door to find Sam on the couch. His parents’ room door was cracked open, and he could see his mom watching TV from her bed.

“Hey.”

Sam waved his hand nonchalantly.

Before Rich went to his room, Sam called him back into the living room.

“So…” Sam said, smirking as he looked up from his phone. “That really your boyfriend?”

Rich tensed. “What do you mean by that? Wait, were you spying on me?”

“Well- no… All I did was look out the window because someone pulled up to the house. It happened to be you guys. Look, I just wanna look out for you. You may think I hate you but as annoying as you can be sometimes, I just wanna make sure whoever you’re seeing isn’t some rando, y’know? He from school?”

Rich did not expect him to say that. He relaxed his shoulders. “Yeah, his name’s Michael.”

Sam nodded. “Cool. Alright then. G’night.”

“Night..”

They both went to their rooms.

Rich sat on his bed. He was waiting for Sam to start teasing him or something. He was glad he didn’t. 

He laid in bed for a few hours until he went to sleep. 

A goodnight text from Michael made it easy for him to fall asleep for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol i posted this super late at night because I didn't wanna wait until morning


	13. Dillinger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Focus is on Jake in this chapter. Explains his situation, and gives a little insight on him and Julie and how they get along (like bro/sis)  
> Julie is his aunt; she took guardianship of him after his parents were arrested  
> This takes place the week michael and rich get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaaat?? Double upload? No way!  
> (lol i actually had this chapter done for a while but wanted to get the last one out before i uploaded this one. Enjoy!)

With Christmas around the corner, Jake couldn’t help but think back.

 

He remembers the first time he made gingerbread men with his mom and dad in the kitchen. He was 6.

He doesn’t quite remember when he stopped believing in Santa, but he definitely remembers leaving cookies and some carrots out on the counter for him before he went to bed. He was 7.

 

He remembers the night his parents first argued in the living room about Christmas dinner. He remembers being told he wasn’t going to get a bike for Christmas that year since they couldn’t afford one. He remembers getting one from Julie for his birthday the year after. He was 12.

 

He remembers the neighborhood potluck they went to on Christmas the year Dad lost his job. He was 14.

 

He remembers finding an envelope in the mail with money inside. He remembers finding four more of those over the course of two months. Last year.

 

He remembers finding an envelope on the counter addressed to him. Inside was the note from his parents, explaining everything, even why they left. He remembers his tears staining the page, one landing right under the words _“we love you.”_ He remembers crumpling up the letter and shoving it down the garbage disposal. He remembers downing a bottle of one of his mom’s vintage wines and going to bed feeling empty. Two months ago.

He remembers being told that his parents were apprehended and would be spending an upwards of ten years in jail a week after that.

 

He remembers plopping two boxes worth of stuff onto Julie’s guest bed, which is his now, whether he likes it or not. He remembers Julie hugging him tight, after noticing he was crying. Last week.

 

He remembers Julie bringing home a box. She said it was from the basement of his house, and was one of the only things that didn’t get destroyed in the fire. It was for him. 6 days ago.

He opened it. It was packed full of old photos from his childhood: ones of him in his first football jersey (He was around 8 years old); his first Halloween (he assumed he was about a year old); ones of him winning academic medals and sports trophies.

At the bottom of the box were Christmas photos, showing him sandwiched between his parents in front of the tree.

He doesn’t remember how long ago he started crying. He doesn’t remember how long ago his chest started hurting. He doesn’t care.

He doesn’t want to forget these memories; he doesn’t want to forget the good things in life.

He hopes his parents haven’t, either.

He hopes his parents didn’t forget about him.

He hopes they won’t.

_I love you too, Mom and Dad._


	14. Happy Holidays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I wanted to upload just one more quick chapter by the end of spring break. Expect the pace of the plot to be picked up pretty soon!

Jeremy and his dad lit the first candle on the menorah together, singing giggly and out of key, but trying their best to pronounce the lyrics correctly.

 

Christine was debating what shirts to take with her on her family vacation for the holidays. She was excited to spend Christmas with most of her extended family, who she hasn’t seen in forever since they lived in Florida.

 

Rich took a deep breath as his dad said grace, trying to calm his nerves, hoping that this year’s Christmas dinner wouldn’t be chaotic. He figured that’s the least he could hope for.

 

Michael’s had to reign in his younger cousins for the third time, seating them at the kids’ table and helping his mom serve Christmas dinner. It was near impossible to keep them away from the presents by the tree.

 

Chloe and Brooke laced their fingers together as they cheerfully wandered through the mall, trying to look for the best gifts for each other and their friends. They exchanged jokes and pecks on the cheek. The joy of the winter holidays always seemed to lift their spirits.

 

Jake tried his best to stay cheerful through the holidays, remembering to message all of his friends. His family wasn’t exactly religious-they stopped going to church when Jake was young- but he figured it was right to pray that his parents were doing okay.

They baked cookies and played Christmas music the whole night, exchanging gifts after dinner. It wasn’t much, but it helped ease Jake’s mind.

 

_ Christine sent a message to Squad Fam _

“Hey everyone! Love you all, I’m in line at the airport right now. Hope you all have been having a good break! I’ll miss you at New Years <333”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to get one more chapter out by the end of my spring break. Also, Pinkberry is now canon in this story! I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to write it, but I figured I'd keep it simple.  
> Also also, you can thank Michael for the group chat name- after like ten different ones (there was a war between Jeremy and Rich for the best one), Michael changed it to Squad Fam and it was cringey enough to keep it.


	15. IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello everyone! Hope you’re having a good day today <3

I wanted to start off by apologizing for not uploading regularly like I promised I would start doing. School has and will continue to eat up most of my time so until summer break rolls around I won’t have much time to work on any new chapters.

So, I’ve decided to announce a hiatus.

DONT PANIC THOUGH! If I have the time I’ll keep myself active by creating a few quick pieces of writing (which may end up being mini-chapters for this fic) since my problem isn’t 100% motivation because if it was I would simply abandon the fic

But I’m not I swear!!!

 **I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you** who have read all of it so far and enjoy what I’ve written! I’m very proud of this work and it would be a shame to see all the planning I’ve done just be left as a rough draft of something I didn’t even finish halfway.

Expect more in the future! As of right now I gotta get back to focusing on school (being a high school student sucks ass >.<)

Once again I love you all, and thank you! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N.B: when I do finally update this fic after my hiatus I’ll delete this chapter since it would make no sense to keep it up afterwards lol

**Author's Note:**

> I've made an 8Tracks playlist to go with this! (actually I've made multiple whoops :P)  
> Pressing Reset:  
> Side A: Jeremy: http://8tracks.com/milli0naire/side-a-player-1  
> Side B: Michael: http://8tracks.com/milli0naire/side-b-player-2


End file.
